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5 shades of coffee
I take my coffee beige. Not brown or ivory or that awful cadaver gray color you get when you use skim milk. And certainly not black—Jesus, who do I look like, Vin Diesel? I assume he takes his coffee...
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Women don’t belong in the kitchen. They belong at the bar.
I want to know the name of the very first woman who watched her husband leave for work then plopped down on the couch and said, “Women should go to work too!” Then I want to build a time machine …...
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Ouch.
I sprained my wrist. For days I had no idea how and I swear the memory loss was from sleep deprivation and not vodka (this time). I assumed it was from lugging around a 35 pound toddler and a 20 …...
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dick holes
Last night I was wearing Tom’s sweatpants because I didn’t want to risk spraining my other wrist (ouch) by jamming my postpartum ass into my own pants. I had them on for about 10 seconds when I...
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‘The Walking Dead,’ Season 7, Episode 1 Review (Kinda): Who’s got a pen?
Ok, so you watched the season premiere of The Walking Dead, right? Did you see that crazy scene when Negan was about to force Rick to cut off Carl’s arm and he asked that guy, Simon, for a pen…and he …...
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A Pubic Service Announcement
I Windex’d my magnifying mirror this morning. From now on I will only interact with cataracts and glaucoma patients. I’m also putting back the layer of dust I removed and adding an extra layer to all...
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What’s wrong with my kids?
I’ve heard rumors that babies are in the best mood when they first wake up in the morning. And that upon hearing a soft, sweet cooing coming from the nursery, the parents of these babies walk in and...
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The Spew Bib
Now your infant can tell the world she’s gonna spew (it’s the considerate thing to do) with the bib that will change your life forever (lies). You’ll be revered for your impeccable taste in bibware...
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BrundleElmo
Alex went to a birthday party yesterday and an incredibly talented balloon artist made her this Elmo. One night in my house with my kids and Elmo looks like this… BrundleElmo. Only a true horror fan...
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Do two-year olds go through cannibal phases?
Last night, I asked my two year old, Alex, what she ate for lunch and she said “Layla.” Admittedly, she probably spends way too many hours a week at daycare and I should definitely know what they’re...
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